“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung

Shadow Work: A Path to Wholeness

Many years ago, my first mentor introduced me to this quote, sparking the beginning of my shadow work journey—learning to integrate the hidden, sometimes very uncomfortable parts of myself. It resonated with me deeply then and even more now. Why does integration matter? Because when you deny the “negative” parts of yourself, you often end up denying the positive ones too. It’s about embracing all of you.

So, when people talk about becoming a “higher” version of yourself, it doesn’t land for me. Growth, for me, is about becoming a wholer version of yourself, not a "higher" one. I agree with Jung that real transformation comes when you embrace this wholeness, and I’ve learned that your erotic self can be a powerful friend and ally in this process.

The Erotic Self In Relationships

You’ve probably heard that your early life shapes your adult relationships and attachment styles. If abandonment feels familiar, you might unconsciously seek it out. I’ve studied attachment styles, and explored my own relationships, but despite that, I kept falling into the same patterns. There was something deeper I hadn’t tapped into yet. Enter Core Desires. 

Core Desires: What Are They?

I'm a somatic coach trained in the Somatica® Method. In this Method, we work with the concept of Core Desires. These explain that as children, we naturally create fantasies around what feels missing in our lives—perhaps it's love, attention, or validation. As we grow and our sexuality develops, these early fantasies can become intertwined with our sexual arousal.

For example, a child who feels emotionally neglected might fantasize about being wanted or deeply cherished. Over time, as their sexual self develops, that feeling of being cherished becomes a turn-on and a Core Desire in their adult life. That means when they go to sex and relationships, what they’re really seeking—whether they realize it or not—is to feel cherished.

So Why Do You Repeat Relationship Patterns?

Because your Core Desires are driving the show, and you probably don’t know it. Take situationships—those relationships that are almost there but not quite. One person might feel “almost loved” and think, “If they love me, I’ll finally feel wanted.” But what they might not realize is that the longing itself is a Core Desire. That longing might be exactly what turns them on.

This might explain why, once the situationship turns into a real relationship, they lose interest. Their main turn-on (longing) is gone. They might go to therapy, journal about it, or even be mentally aware of their past wounds. But months later, they find themselves in a similar situationship, feeling “almost loved” again. Consciously, it feels painful and frustrating. But to the part of them craving the longing? It's a fulfilled desire.

That part of you, your erotic self, is really good at getting its needs met—even if it means repeating old wounds.

How To Break These Patterns

Here’s the good news: your erotic self isn't repeating old wounds just for the sake of it. It’s bringing those wounds into awareness, offering you a chance to heal, transform, and move toward wholeness (hello again, Jung!). You can work with these parts of yourself to start breaking those patterns. Here’s how:

1. Identify Your Core Desires:

Start by building awareness and getting to know yourself more deeply. Pay attention to what turns you on, both sexually and emotionally, and allow yourself to explore without judgment. This isn’t just about what you find sexy—it’s about understanding what you truly want to feel in sex and relationships. Ask yourself: What am I really seeking in sex and dating? What feelings do I want to experience? This is where we begin making the unconscious, conscious.

And remember, everyone's desires are unique. Take the example of a romantic date, perfectly planned, at a fancy restaurant. The same scenario could evoke very different feelings depending on your Core Desires. You might want to feel:

• Special: The attention to detail—like your partner choosing your favorite restaurant—makes you feel valued and special.

• Cared for: Knowing someone put thought and effort into planning the evening makes you feel supported and cared for.

• Surrendered: If you’re usually the one in charge, having everything planned for you lets you relax and surrender.

• Desired: The romantic gestures and effort put into the date make you feel deeply desired.

• Surprised: Maybe it’s a new, trendy spot you haven’t been to before, or the vibe makes it feel like you’re dating someone new—adding an element of surprise and excitement.

Somatic sex and relationship coaching can help you dive deeper into what really drives you emotionally and erotically, so you can connect more intentionally with your true desires.

2. Embrace Challenging Desires with Self-Acceptance:

Realizing that you want to feel cherished in sex and relationships is something you might happily chat about with friends at brunch. But what happens when you discover that rejection turns you on? That’s not so easy to share. Many people have their core wounds as Core Desires. Others are aroused by fantasies involving power dynamics or desires that seem to contradict their values or identity. And guess what? It’s completely normal. Just because you have these thoughts doesn’t mean you need therapy—it’s much more common than you might think.

The key thing to remember is that having certain fantasies doesn’t mean you have to act them out. Just because something turns you on doesn’t mean you want it in real life. Understanding that distinction lets you explore your fantasies with more curiosity and less shame or judgment.

And if you have friends who can openly talk about these more challenging desires, treasure them. Having a safe space for this kind of exploration is invaluable. It can lead to deeper self-acceptance and personal growth.

3. Explore Healing Pathways:

As a Somatica® Coach, I work with two conscious healing paths people can take to meet their deepest desires. Both are about intentional, safe healing.

The first path is about healing through experiencing the opposite of past hurts. If you grew up feeling unwanted, healing here might look like creating a space where your partner takes the lead in your dates, pouring their attention into you, making you feel truly irresistible.

The second path is about intentionally repeating a painful wound — when that wound is also a Core Desire. But this time, you re-live it with safety and control in your hands. So, if longing is both your wound and Core Desire, you might role-play a scenario where your partner is distant and unavailable. Unlike in a real-life situationship, here you can call the shots, there is consent and clear boundaries. And of course, no real-life heartbreak.

What happens when you do that? You start to shift the way you experience your desires. You bring your wounds into the light and change how they feel by playing with them in ways that actually serve you. Over time, that shift stops you from repeating old patterns in real life. Patterns that haven’t helped you heal — until now.

4. Create New Pathways:

That work for you! With increased awareness, you can consciously work with your erotic self to create new pathways that work for you, shifting how you show up in relationships and sex. Some desires might naturally align more with one path than the other, but you can mix elements from both.

And remember—your Core Desires aren’t something to “fix.” They’re a part of you, like an emotional and erotic blueprint. The goal isn’t to erase challenging desires but to work with them in ways that support your growth, pleasure, and well-being. Start by planting a seed of self-worth and nurturing it. From there, and with increased self-awareness, shifts in how you experience your Core Desires become possible.

Yes, this is deep work and it can be challenging. But it’s also deeply rewarding. Somatic sex and relationship coaching offers a safe, expansive space for the journey.

We’re far more powerful creators than we realize. Our sexual and relational experiences are masterful expressions of our deepest desires. And if your erotic self is already fulfilling these desires without you even realizing it, imagine what you could do if you were in full awareness. That’s true sexual healing.