A few months ago, I was in a coaching class when someone asked the instructor how to handle the constant flood of opinions on how to run their business. They felt stretched thin by everyone’s advice, pulled in every direction but their own. The instructor nodded, sharing that he’d been there too. Over time, he’d learned to say—even to his loving partner—“How I run my business is my business.”
“Damn, that lands,” I thought. “I want that.”
I didn’t mean I wanted to use those exact words. I meant I wanted to embody that energy—that self-possessed, self-owning confidence—in how I run my business, how I own my choices, and how I show up in my life. In how I stand firm, smile, and say, to myself and to the world, “This is my path.”
So, over the past few months, I’ve been cultivating healthy aggression to bring more of that energy into my life. And I’ve come to see it as one of the best antidotes to the Good Girl.
How so?
Well, as a former Good Girl, I know all too well what it’s like to be over-influenced by the people around me—family, partners, friends. Being trained as a Good Girl means being polite, accommodating, agreeable. Avoiding conflict, keeping the peace, and tiptoeing around anything uncomfortable. It means being liked, accepted, and seen as “nice.” It’s nodding along when someone’s giving you the advice you didn’t ask for or that doesn’t feel right, just to avoid rocking the boat.
Sure, being considerate and agreeable has its place. But living constantly in that energy? That means repressing your desires, putting others’ needs first, saying “yes” when you really mean “no,” softening your opinions, and always looking for approval. It’s a fast track to self-abandonment. Over time, that disconnect from your own truth builds into frustration, resentment, and a creeping sense of powerlessness.
And here’s the sneaky part: that Good Girl energy tends to stick around long after you think you’ve outgrown the Good Girl archetype.
That’s where healthy aggression comes in as the antidote. But first things first—what is healthy aggression? And how is it different from anger?
Anger vs. Healthy Aggression
Anger is that raw, intense feeling that rises up when you feel dismissed or overlooked, when a boundary is crossed, or when something just feels plain wrong. Healthy aggression, though, is about taking that energy and channeling it with purpose. Anger is part of your emotional landscape, and feeling it in the moment is important. But it’s healthy aggression that lets you direct it in ways that truly serve you—both in the moment and as a steady force in your life.
Think of it not like a wildfire but a controlled burn. A wildfire rages out of control, destroying everything in its path. But a controlled burn? It’s focused and intentional, clearing space and making room for new growth.
Did you know that “aggression” comes from the Latin aggredi, meaning “to advance”? That’s exactly what healthy aggression is—energy that propels you forward.
So How Is This The Antidote To The Good Girl?
Healthy aggression gives you permission to step out of the Good Girl role and into a space where your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. It’s the energy that lets you set clear boundaries, honor your emotions, and reclaim your inner authority. Without it, standing up for yourself, asking for what you truly want, or maintaining your boundaries can feel impossible. That’s when you end up feeling overextended, unappreciated, or even resentful. When you’re constantly giving more than you have and receiving less than you need, burnout follows—emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Tapping into healthy aggression makes it easier to create a life where your needs, boundaries, and desires are honored—by both you and others.
Simply put, Good Girls don’t get angry. And they definitely don’t channel healthy aggression. But Whole Women? Whole Women know that’s exactly what they need.
Why Does This Matter?
Because there’s a LOT of shame and taboo around anger and expressing aggression (healthily). We hear “aggression” and immediately think of violence. We don’t often allow space for the idea of healthy aggression. And when you add the Good Girl conditioning on top, it’s no wonder so many of us end up feeling dissatisfied, resentful, or even physically unwell.
When we block this energy, when we don’t allow ourselves to feel or express it, there’s a cost. As Gabor Maté points out in When The Body Says No, people with conditions like cancer, autoimmune diseases, chronic fatigue, or neurological issues are often told to “relax, think positively, and lower their stress levels.” Good advice, sure—but, as he highlights, it’s often the internalized anger, not the lack of happy thoughts, that’s made them unwell in the first place. Sometimes, positive thinking and lots of light just won’t cut it. When you need to tap into that full-on, pissed-off mode and channel it healthily, it’s not meditation that will get you there.
Even if it doesn’t make you physically sick, suppressing this life force drains the vitality that fuels your passion and purpose. It leaves you running on empty.
What Does Healthy Aggression Look Like?
It looks like protecting your emotional, physical, and energetic space. It does not look like lashing out. It’s standing firm in your truth. It’s the confidence behind a clear “no” when something feels off or the tingles in your Yoni when something is a full-bodied “yes”. It’s that part of you that knows how to claim space, ask for what you need, and set boundaries without a trace of guilt.
Ways To Begin Embracing Your Healthy Aggression
In this blog, I’m sharing two types of practices: simpler exercises to use in daily life, and a deeper release practice for when you feel that old hurts, anger, or resentment are lingering.
Daily Practices To Tap Into Healthy Aggression
As you dive into these daily practices, remember: it’s not about exactly how they look or sound, but how they feel. It’s about stepping into your own unique stream of healthy aggression, embodying it, and letting it guide you. As you read each practice, let yourself sink into that space within you—feel it, rather than focusing on exact words or actions.
Start Expressing More Emotions: When was the last time someone asked if you’re okay when you weren’t, and you held back your truth? Maybe you’ve said, “I’m fine,” even when you weren’t. Try practicing honesty, especially when you’re angry. Again, you don’t need to lash out—just let your emotions be big. Stand firm, feel the heat, and trust that you can channel it into something powerful and productive. Allow your voice to carry strength. Let yourself be real, whether it’s a deep, grounding sigh, a strong “no,” or a steady, unapologetic statement of how you feel.
Start Setting More Boundaries: Start with the little things. Pay attention to what feels like a “yes” and what feels like a “no,” and say “no” to things that aren’t a true yes. If an invitation doesn’t light you up, decline it. If a friend wants to hang out but you need time alone, let them know: “I need some sacred solo time.” And if someone keeps interrupting you at work, meet their eyes and say, “I need to finish my thought. Please wait until I’m done.” Clear. Firm. Powerful.
Start Speaking Your Truth More Often: The “good girl” loves to keep quiet. But speaking your truth—even if it makes your heart race—is pure, healthy aggression. Next time you feel a “no” bubbling up, let it out without sugarcoating or over-explaining. Or practice in front of the mirror, expressing any frustration aloud to yourself. There’s something so freeing in saying, “This is how I feel, and it matters!”
These practices are just the beginning—the more you tap into this energy, the easier it gets to channel it in ways that serve you.
Advanced Practice: Releasing Pent-Up Anger Toward Someone
When we hold back our anger, rage, or hurt in the moment, that energy doesn’t just disappear—it builds up inside, waiting for a release. This is especially true in relationships where those heavy moments happen often. This exercise is here to help you confront and release that stored energy, focusing it on an internalized version of the person who hurt you. I learned this exercise from this article by Seth Lyon, which you can check out. Or, just follow the instructions below—this is exactly how I did it myself.
How This Works
In relationships—romantic or otherwise—we often relate to an internalized image of someone rather than who they actually are. We carry memories, ideas, and assumptions about this person, especially in difficult relationships where trauma is involved.
Our nervous system is designed for self-protection, like a lioness defending her cubs. She doesn’t stop to consider the predator’s intentions—she just protects and attacks. Our nervous systems are similar, but our brains override this response with reminders to be compassionate and understanding. Compassion and understanding are important, even for those who’ve hurt us. But to truly heal, we need to confront the internalized version of those who've hurt us and release the emotions we’ve stored against them. If we don’t, those emotions remain inside us, like lingering internal threats.
The goal here is to dismantle these threats so they no longer harm you, whether or not you still interact with the person who caused the hurt in real life.
I suggest reading through all the instructions before you begin. Take it slow, be gentle with yourself, and pause for a break if anything feels too much.
How To Do It
Visualize the Person as Source Energy: Close your eyes and breathe slowly. Now, imagine the person who hurt you as their truest, purest self. Picture them as a baby, or imagine them with all their needs met, connected to Source energy, floating peacefully in the Universe, outside of you.
Channel Compassion: If compassion or empathy surfaces, direct it toward this pure Source version.
Recall the Pain: Now, bring up the difficult memories and the emotions—the anger, the fear, the disgust. Let these connect to the version of them that lives inside you, in your mind and body.
Shift Between Images: Move back and forth between the peaceful Source version outside of you and the darker, hurtful version inside you. Really feel the difference between these two.
Recognize the Internal Dark Version: Understand that the dark, hurtful version is just an internalized image. It’s not their purest, connected-to-Source self.
Unleash Your Inner Defender: Now, let loose. Imagine yourself releasing your anger, hurt, resentment toward this internalized version of them. Snarl, shout, grab a pillow and punch it, or squeeze it as hard as you can. Imagine using any forceful action that feels right—blow them up, stab them, burn them. Do whatever it takes to release all your stored energy.
Redirect Compassion: If compassion arises again, send it to the Source version floating outside of you. Then, return to releasing your energy on the internalized version, as much as you need.
Finally, Feel Triumph: When you feel all the energy has been released, picture yourself standing victorious over the defeated internalized version. Feel the triumph, like a lioness who has defended her cubs. Know that you’re protecting and liberating your own self and inner child—the part of you that needed this strength and protection all along. So let your inner lioness roar.
I did this exercise to release the pent-up anger I felt toward an ex-partner who’d made me feel so small, like my voice didn’t matter. I wasn’t in touch with him anymore, but the anger and resentment over feeling so small during our time together still lingered in me. So, I confronted the version of him that had been living inside me, taking up space. And I crushed it. And it felt so good. It was incredibly freeing, and it finally helped me move on from the heavy feelings tied to that relationship.
One thing that surprised me was how my body responded. As I went through the exercise, I felt my upper lip curl up—I actually snarled. I’d never felt myself do that before. It just happened naturally, without me even trying. You don’t have to force anything, but if your body wants to express something, let it. Snarl, shout, growl, cry. Let your inner lioness (or whatever animal feels right for you) rise up and reclaim the justice, strength, or peace you’ve been needing, and trust that every release is a step toward your healing.
Healthy aggression isn’t about being harsh or unkind. It’s about embodying a self-honoring energy, where your truth is sacred. Where you don’t apologize for the things that make you, you. Where you show up as more of your full, authentic self—freer, bolder in your own way, and more expansive. More you in the world.
So, are you ready to bring more of you into your life?
