Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM, is about having multiple romantic, emotional, or sexual relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The “ethical” part? That’s about honesty, transparency, and mutual respect. No cheating. No dishonesty.
ENM comes in many forms, like polyamory or open relationships. But this isn’t about the sexy logistics of ENM. What fascinates me most is the mindset behind it—and how we can learn from it. What if you thought like an ENMer to expand yourself?
The Power of Questioning the Norm
Have you ever questioned the typical relationship path? You know the one—meet, date, kiss, have sex, move in, maybe get married, maybe have kids. It’s called the "relationship escalator." Even if your relationships don’t fit that mold, the idea is deeply embedded in how most of us think about love. It feels like “just how things are.”
It’s not that ENMers simply follow the typical relationship path with more people — they often don’t follow it at all. Instead of assuming how things should go, ENMers get curious. They pause. They ask — what do we actually want?
And here’s the thing: this kind of curiosity changes everything. It requires radical honesty. Crystal-clear communication. A willingness to dig deep — not just with your partner but with yourself. It’s not just about figuring out how to balance multiple relationships. It’s about figuring you out. What drives you? What do you truly want? What rules have you been following that maybe don’t even fit you anymore?
ENMer or not, what if you brought that same level of curiosity to your own relationships? What would it feel like to pause and ask yourself what you really want instead of following the script? It’s not easy work, but it’s real. And it might just open doors you didn’t even know were there.
Reflection and Intentionality: Why Bother?
When I’ve used dating apps, I’ve noticed something interesting. On more traditional apps, like Hinge, people tend to be a little more indirect. There’s often a dance of subtle hints, playing it cool, or testing the waters before showing what they really want. Sometimes, it feels like people are waiting for the “right moment” to be fully honest. It’s like trying to read tea leaves.
But then you step onto a sex-positive app like Feeld, and it’s a whole different vibe. People are direct. They often know exactly what they want, and they say it—no games, no pretense, no “right moment.” It creates a space where you can just be real. You can tell they’ve done some inner exploring. And that feels so refreshing.
So why does this matter, even if ENM or apps like Feeld aren’t your thing? Because asking yourself questions like, “Is this step on the relationship escalator what I want?” or even better, “Do I actually want to be on the escalator at all?” can crack open deeper self-clarity. And you can get the same refreshing vibe that you'd get from exploring alternative models or spaces — without needing to live in them, if they’re not your thing. It feels yummy, because you’re crafting your experiences to match the ultimate yummy-meter — you.
For example, I know of couples who love each other but sleep in different rooms or even live in separate houses. That might not sound as "spicy" or unconventional as, say, swinging, but it’s still not what society expects. Yet it works for them.
What would your relationships look like if you co-created something that worked just for you?
Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure, says some people approach ENM as a lifestyle, others because it feels natural, and others as a path for personal growth. Anytime I’ve dipped my toes into the ENM world, it’s been with that last group — seeking growth. And I suspect they’d agree with me that that’s where the magic lies. In the empowerment and the (sometimes challenging) joy of making conscious choices that truly align with who you are.
Two Big Lessons for Me
The two major lessons I’ve taken from thinking like an ENMer are:
1. Structure vs. Relating:
As Fern explains, we’re sold this idea (and believe me, I’ve bought it more times than I can count) that the structure of a relationship — like the ring, the wedding, the shared apartment — provides the security we so often crave. Because society holds up monogamy, marriage, and the conventional relationship structure as the ultimate “gold standard.” And when something’s seen as the ideal, it feels like the safest bet. It’s like this unspoken promise: Do it right, and you’ll be safe from heartbreak, loneliness, or failure.
But the truth is that if the relating isn’t solid — how you’re actually showing up for each other — then that structure? It’s as fragile as a house of cards.
Don’t get me wrong, frameworks and rituals can be beautiful (I love a good wedding). But real security, emotional safety, and connection? The kind that holds through life’s storms? That comes from how you relate to each other — and maybe even more importantly, how you relate to yourself.
2. Personalized Agreements and Contracting:
What if, instead of trying to squeeze into a one-size-fits-all relationship mold, you created something that actually fits? Agreements that reflect your unique needs, boundaries, and desires. Every relationship could have its own evolving blueprint—designed by you and the people in it, not by some outdated rulebook that barely works for anyone.
This kind of intentionality isn’t just for ENM. You see it in other spaces too, like BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism). Michaels and Johnson, the authors of Designer Relationships, point out that “BDSM contracts outlining the rights and obligations of each party can be far more explicit and detailed than any vanilla prenuptial agreement.”
Now, I’m not here to knock vanilla or nuptials. But isn’t it interesting how we often call alternative relationship styles “weird”? When really, they can be deeper, richer, and way more intentional. They’re built on agreements that are alive and personal, shaped around the people in them—not some cookie-cutter legal or religious template.
Isn’t that what all relationships deserve? Agreements that feel real. Dynamic. Deeply aligned. Now that’s sexy.
If you’re curious, check out The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord. It’s like a buffet of relationship ingredients you and your partner(s) can pick from to co-create something truly yours. And remember: the real magic isn’t just in the final “agreement.” It’s in the conversations you’ll have along the way. That’s where you really get to know yourself, the other person, and the one-of-a-kind universe you’re building together.
A Yummy Gift
I don’t think ENM is for me. But exploring myself through the lens of relationships—figuring out what truly works for me, navigating my inner world, and co-creating something uniquely meaningful with another intentional human? Absolute game changer. Count me in.
What about you? Could asking these questions and getting intentionally curious about what you truly want be the shift you’re looking for?
And honestly, isn’t it so much more exciting to create a relationship where you get to dream big, imagine, and build something that fits you perfectly — rather than settling for, “Well, I guess this is just how things are”?
When you show up in your relationships as the realest you, that’s not just a gift. That’s the gift. Yummy. For you, your partner(s), and the world.
